Humor and Satire

Richard Stallman is weird. Seriously.

February 11th, 2012  |  Published in Humor and Satire

If you want to read something hilarious, read Richard Stallman’s travel/speaking arrangements manifesto — what a weirdo! Here are some highlights:

Above 72 fahrenheit (22 centigrade) I find sleeping quite difficult.
(If the air is dry, I can stand 23 degrees.) A little above that
temperature, a strong electric fan blowing on me enables me to sleep.
More than 3 degrees above that temperature, I need air conditioning to
sleep.

If there is a substantial chance of indoor temperatures too hot for
me, please arrange _in advance_ for me to have what I need. [...]

I like cats if they are friendly, but they are not good for me; I am
somewhat allergic to them. This allergy makes my face itch and my
eyes water. So the bed, and the room I will usually be staying in,
need to be clean of cat hair. However, it is no problem if there is a
cat elsewhere in the house–I might even enjoy it if the cat is
friendly.

Dogs that bark angrily and/or jump up on me frighten me, unless they
are small and cannot reach much above my knees. But if they only bark
or jump when we enter the house, I can cope, as long as you hold the
dog away from me at that time. Aside from that issue, I’m ok with
dogs.

If you can find a host for me that has a friendly parrot, I will be
very very glad. If you can find someone who has a friendly parrot I
can visit with, that will be nice too.

DON’T buy a parrot figuring that it will be a fun surprise for me. To
acquire a parrot is a major decision: it is likely to outlive you. If
you don’t know how to treat the parrot, it could be emotionally
scarred and spend many decades feeling frightened and unhappy. If you
buy a captured wild parrot, you will promote a cruel and devastating
practice, and the parrot will be emotionally scarred before you get it.
Meeting that sad animal is not an agreeable surprise. [...]

If a hotel says “We have internet access for customers”, that is so
vague that it cannot be relied on. So please find out exactly what
they have and exactly what it will do. If they have an ethernet, do
they have a firewall? Does it permit SSH connections? What
parameters does the user need to specify in order to talk with it? [...]

For reasons of principle, I am unwilling to identify myself in order
to connect to the Internet. For instance, if a hotel gives a user
name and password to each room, I won’t use that system, since it
would identify me. [...]

It is nice of you to want to be kind to me, but please don’t offer
help all the time. In general I am used to managing life on my own;
when I need help, I am not shy about asking. So there is no need to
offer to help me. Moreover, being constantly offered help is actually
quite distracting and tiresome.

So please, unless I am in grave immediate danger, please don’t offer
help. The nicest thing you can do is help when I ask, and otherwise
not worry about how I am doing. Meanwhile, you can also ask me for
help when you need it.

One situation where I do not need help, let alone supervision, is in
crossing streets. I grew up in the middle of the world’s biggest
city, full of cars, and I have crossed streets without assistance even
in the chaotic traffic of Bangalore and Delhi. Please just leave me
alone when I cross streets. [...]

When you need to tell me about a problem in a plan, please do not
start with a long apology. That is unbearably boring, and unnecessary
– conveying useful information is helpful and good, and why apologize
for that? So please be practical and go straight to the point.

If I am typing on my computer and it is time to do something else,
please tell me. Don’t wait for me to “finish working” first, because
you would wait forever. I have to squeeze in answering mail at every
possible opportunity, which includes whenever I have to wait. I wait
by working. If instead of telling me there is no more need for me to
wait, you wait for me to stop waiting for you, we will both wait
forever — or until I figure out what’s happening. [...]

I do not eat breakfast. Please do not ask me any questions about
what I will do breakfast. Please just do not bring it up. [...]

Don’t ever try to decide what food I should eat without asking me. [...]

If you get a bottle of wine, I will taste it, and if I like the taste,
I will drink a little, perhaps a glass. [...]

Please do not ever mail me a file larger than 100k without asking me
first. I almost certainly do not want to receive it in that form.

Sorry, I’ve Got These Sacks

April 18th, 2011  |  Published in Humor and Satire

Wisdom from Jack Handy:

To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?”, you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

Odor-Fighting “Atomic Robots”

April 10th, 2011  |  Published in Humor and Satire, Marketing and Advertising

As seen on the back of my Old Spice deodorant:

Contains odor-fighting “atomic robots” that “shoot lasers” at your “stench monsters” an replaces them with fresh, clean, masculine “stench elves.”

That might be the best product description I’ve ever read.

Capybara Enjoys a Hot Shower

March 8th, 2011  |  Published in Animals, Humor and Satire, Videos

This is what I look like in my morning shower, too:

Girl Falls In Mall Fountain While Texting

January 15th, 2011  |  Published in Humor and Satire, Technology, Videos

Jon Stewart & John Oliver on the Verizon iPhone

January 14th, 2011  |  Published in Humor and Satire, Technology, Videos

(view a higher-res version here)

Cat vs. Washing Machine

January 12th, 2011  |  Published in Cats, Humor and Satire, Videos

(via)

The Vendor-Client Relationship In Real World Situations

January 6th, 2011  |  Published in Business, Humor and Satire, Technology, Videos